Another Candle on the Cake

My daughter will be 12 in August. I know that’s a few months away but we’ve talked about it at times trying to figure out what she wants to do. Now that she’s getting older, she doesn’t need a big party, she would rather be with a few of her close friends. My daughter loves her birthday, she’s always excited about it, especially as it gets closer. The truth is, as soon as it’s over, she’s already talking about her next one. I think most kids are like that. They can’t wait to get older and do all of the things that they can’t do right now.

When you’re a kid your birthday is always exciting, it’s always a big deal. You rush through the years of being a single digit in order to get to the double digits, then it’s all about having the word ‘teen’ in your age. And when that happens, you can’t wait to turn 16 or 18 because you think that’s when life really starts to happen for you. Then it’s on to 21 and really feeling like an adult. And throughout all of that time your birthday is awesome. It’s something you always look forward to and for some people that doesn’t stop once you become an adult. I know plenty of adults that still look forward to their birthday and still get excited to celebrate it in some way.

I have not been one of those people for a long time. I can’t remember exactly when I stopped looking forward to my birthday but I know that it happened. I enjoyed turning 21, had a nice celebration for 30 and 40, and my 38^th will always be special because that was my first birthday as a mom. But all of the others in between lacked excitement, lacked celebration. And that’s not because of anyone else but myself. My husband takes off of work every year on my birthday and hopes that I’ll want to do something special, but most times I don’t. We go to breakfast, and later to dinner, and in between, for the past few years, I’ve taken a walk on the beach, which has become my favorite thing to do on my birthday. But that’s basically it. And I feel bad most years because I know how much he and my daughter want me to be excited for my birthday. My daughter especially because she thinks it’s the greatest thing in the world.

I’ve always looked at my birthday in a negative way. Instead of being grateful that I am alive for another year I tend to look back on the past year as wasted time. I think of the 365 days that passed between birthdays and I get so down on myself for wasting so many of them. Instead of looking back on all of the happy memories I made, the special moments I had or the things I did, I tend to focus on the things I didn’t do, and that puts me in a negative head space. And unfortunately, it’s what I’ve done for so long.

I think about family members who are no longer here and I feel like I’m disrespecting them by having this attitude. They would have given anything to have one more birthday and here I am shitting all over that. My cousin died when he was 21 years old. I think about him often and I realize that he did so much more with his life in only 21 years than I have done in my 49. And I know I shouldn’t compare my life to anyone else’s, and I normally don’t. I truly believe we are all on our own path and we have to walk it our own way in our own time. But it’s hard not to think about, knowing how much time I have wasted by not doing what I need to do to better myself and my life. I really don’t know what I’m waiting for. I wish there was a switch I could turn on in my brain to wake me the fuck up.

I was supposed to write about my birthday a few weeks ago, but, me being me, I didn’t. I wanted to write about it before I turned 49. I had all of these thoughts in my head, but if I’m being honest, most of them weren’t good. Once again, in the days leading up to my birthday, I was not looking forward to it at all. And I don’t think it’s an age thing because my age has never bothered me. I have never felt my age, although, being in perimenopause at the moment, this is probably the most I have felt my age in my life. But most of the time I don’t act my age; my husband and I still joke around like kids, I can still throw the ball around with my daughter and I’d much rather wear a t-shirt with Stitch on it then look like a proper adult. My age has never bothered me. I come from a long line of women who embrace their age and welcome it with open arms. My Grandmother looked better at 85 then she did at 55 and I think she had more energy and life in her too.

The night before my birthday I still wasn’t into it no matter how hard my husband and daughter tried to get me excited. I wanted the day to come and go and be done with it before it even started. That’s the mindset I went to bed with. But something happened while I was sleeping. I had a dream that my house phone was ringing and when I looked at the caller ID it said ‘Aunt Mare’ and in the dream I said to myself ‘she’s dead, it can’t be her’ but I picked up the phone anyway. And after a few seconds of silence there was a whisper of ‘happy birthday’. I woke up with goosebumps and a feeling I can’t describe. My Aunt Mare was always the first person to wish me a happy birthday, she was always the first call or text in the morning. And last year I felt such a deep sadness because it was the first time I didn’t have that. And this year I guess she knew I needed it.

Sometime during the morning of my birthday I made a choice. I flipped the switch. I decided that I didn’t want this birthday to be like all of the others. I decided to let go of things I was holding on to, things that were worrying me, any drama that was in my life brought on by others, and let go of anything that was stressing me. I didn’t want to worry about money I was going to spend that day or how much dinner was going to cost. I decided to just be in the present and enjoy the moment I was in at the time. I laughed with my husband, I had a great time shopping for things that I wanted and I got to the beach where we walked and talked together. And I took some time to myself to shed some tears and truly let go of things. I took some deep breaths and let the sun hit my face. And I felt so peaceful and calm. No stress, no drama, no anxiety. And I wondered why I waited so long to change my mindset. Just because I’ve been a certain way for 49 years doesn’t mean I have to live the rest of my life that way. I’ve been hiding behind that excuse for too long.

This is my last year in my forties. And if I’m being honest, that does bother me a little but not in a major way. I’ve given myself a deadline. I have until I’m 50 to get something published or come close to finishing a book that’s been in my head for a long time. I told myself that if neither of those things happen, then it might be time to put down my pen and give up the writing dream. I’m not sure that will ever actually happen, I love the pen and written word too much, but I need to give myself something to work toward. In school I had deadlines, when I was in a writing program, I always had a deadline to turn in my work and it helped me to stay focused, even if I waited until the last minute to get it done. But that can’t happen this time. I’ve already waited over two weeks to write this and these days aren’t slowing down anytime soon. So, it’s a personal deadline for myself to see if I can do it. To see if I have the talent and the determination. Not sure about either of those things but time will tell.

This birthday was the best birthday I’ve had in a very long time. And it wasn’t because I did something extravagant, or I got amazing gifts. It was simply because I chose to enjoy it instead of being miserable. A simple change in my mindset gave me a truly beautiful day. I won’t kid myself and say that every day will be like this because, let’s face it, life happens. But I will hope that more days will be like this one and the bad days will lessen. I didn’t put a candle in my ice cream that night but, before I went to sleep, I did wish that I will finally do what I need to in order to become who I want to be.