I Miss You

‘The truth of it is
Nothing I do will bring you back
So I’m waiting for my ride up into the sky.

And I will meet you there
I will meet you there’ – Into the Sky by Black Tide

I miss you. It really is that simple. I just miss you more than I can adequately express with any words. There is a hole in my heart, a hole in my life that will never be filled by anything or anyone else. It is yours, and will always belong to you. Skylar misses you too. Sometimes I forget that just because she’s only 10 doesn’t mean she doesn’t have big feelings. Her feelings for you were huge and her sadness runs just as deep as mine. She’ll mention you out of the blue and she’ll tell me she misses you and I can see the sorrow in her eyes and on her face. I don’t think you realized how much you meant to her.

When you passed, she cried and said, ‘who’s going to call me beautiful?’ because she remembers you always saying that to her on the phone. And it broke my heart to see her so hurt. But I also felt it was a beautiful memory that she will always have of you. She took one of your stuffed bears and she has slept with it every night since the day that she got it. And every morning when I wake her up that bear is in her arms. I’m not sure she ever lets it go during the night. It brings her comfort and it makes her feel close to you. My daughter is so blessed to have known your love.

I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday a few weeks ago. There were a few little reasons for that but the real reason hit me a few days before my birthday. I realized I wouldn’t get a ‘Happy Birthday’ text from you and it killed me. Your text was always the first one I got in the morning and I didn’t want to accept that I wouldn’t get one this year. Something so little, so simple, shook me, and it was so hard. A lot of things seem hard without you here. It’s only now that I realize how calming your voice was to me. How it could silence the chaos in my head and bring me back to a peaceful place. I could talk to you about anything and everything. It didn’t matter what I needed to say, you were always there to listen. And I know that I have my husband, and my sister, and your daughter, who are always there for me and I love them all for that but it’s not the same. We all know that, and accept it and we do our best to move forward and get through the tough times. But you knew me in a way all your own. You understood what I wanted to say without me having to say a word. Sometimes I think you knew how I felt about something better than I did. And sometimes I struggle because I don’t have that anymore. Although I will say that when you passed a part of you definitely went into Dree. There have been many times when we’re texting that she’ll say something that I would swear came out of your mouth. And I am so grateful that a part of you is still here through her.

I hear your voice in my head all the time. Especially your ‘Hi kids’ when we’d come pick you up to take you to dinner. I try to replay that voice as much as I can because I’m so afraid that I’m going to forget it. I’m so afraid that it won’t be as clear for me to hear one day, and I pray that never happens.

There’s been so much rain since you left. Then we had an actual earthquake and a solar eclipse and it made me think that the universe is just as off balance as the rest of us since you passed. That’s how I feel. Off balanced, unfocused, unaligned. We’re all tilted trying to right ourselves. But it’s hard to stand straight when a piece of you has been taken away. But I know that you would want us to find a way and I believe that we will, it’s just going to take some time. More time than I realized it would. But I promise I will get there for you.

The sun has finally been out for a few days, and I’ve been trying to take some time in it like you taught me to do. I’ve been letting it shine on my face and embracing its warmth, letting it bring my mind and body some peace. I’m trying to take deep breaths and not sweat the small stuff. I’m trying to be positive like you. I’m trying to remember all of the things you taught me and implement those lessons into my life so I can live happier and breathe easier. I’m trying to think about how you would react to something or what you would do in a certain situation. I’m trying to be more like you because you were one of the best people in the world and one of the most important people in my life. I’m trying to accept that you’re gone. I’m trying not to miss you so much that I can’t breathe. I’m trying; but it’s hard sometimes.

Matty made your cheese bread for Easter. When I took a bite, I had to hold back the tears because it was just like yours. These kids will carry you around with them. We all will in the little Mare Mare things we do. And so, I know you’ll always be around.