New Year, New Me

‘Don’t be mad, it’s just the brand new kind of me

And it ain’t bad, I found a brand new kind of free’-Brand New Me, Alicia Keys

The new year brings the opportunity for a rebirth. A way to renew ourselves. To let go of the past year and start again. And most people make resolutions. Little things that they want to do in order to improve themselves or their lives. And I do fall prey to that. January 1^st comes and I stop drinking. I at least try to do the dry January. I’ve succeeded in the past and this January I only had two drinks all month so I take that as a win. It’s not like I’m a heavy drinker but with all of the holidays just endured I choose to abstain in order to refresh. This year January 1^st was on a Monday so everyone saw how perfect that was. New year, new month, new week. You had the opportunity to start off with a bang. And I did. I worked out that day with my daughter, I didn’t drink and I limited the snacks I had at my niece’s birthday celebration. Now we’re in February and I haven’t worked out as much as I wanted, but the other things are still on track. We’ll see how it goes.

I find that the years all look the same with resolutions. We start out strong in January. Then February and March might not go so well. Spring comes and with the sun shining we try to get back into a routine so we can be beach ready for the summer. Then the summer is full of backyard parties, barbecues and drinking. And as the sun sets on summer and rises on fall, we fall into the trap of saying ‘I’ll just start again next year’, because the cold weather starts again, the holidays come back around and life gets too busy and stressful to worry about the little things. I’m definitely guilty of this. I’ve had far too many years play out like this. Round and round we go. Maybe we change a little, maybe we change a lot, maybe we don’t change at all. Maybe we’ll never truly get rid of those last five pounds. And you know what? That’s ok. It’s really not a big deal. Reality sets in when we see that there are bigger changes that need to be made, when our eyes clearly see the bigger picture. And thankfully I’m finally at that point.

For years I feel like I’ve complained about the same things. I complain about them, I get angry, I let them bother me but the truth is I never really do anything about any of them. That stops this year. One of my main issues in life is that I get treated like shit by some people. I’ve always believed that I’m a good friend and that’s the one thing in life that I really get right. But I find that it gets taken advantage of in so many ways. I remember venting to my husband about it once and he said that I had two choices. I could learn to not let it bother me or I could change who I was so I didn’t get hurt so much. I didn’t see either of those things as an option for me so I continued on how I always was and I consistently let things bother me and eat away at my emotions. And the problem with that is I was the only one being bothered. The people hurting me and causing me to be angry didn’t think twice about it because they didn’t acknowledge what they were doing wrong. So not only am I the one to get shit on, I’m the only one who suffers through all of the emotions that brings.

In the last few months, I thought about what my husband said and I figured it out. I don’t have to change who I am; I can keep my core and be exactly who I want to be. I don’t have to care less or change the things that make me the person I am. No, I don’t have to change who I am, I just have to change who I am with them. This was a big revelation for me and something I never thought of before. I try to be the same person to everyone I love but I don’t have to be, and more importantly, I don’t have to feel bad about that. I let go of the guilt that brought me for so many years. I let go of the thought that I need certain people to feel complete. I let go of the thinking that I should feel blessed that they want me in their life and grateful that they love me. Fuck that! They should be the ones feeling that way because I am a damn good friend.

I have always made the excuse that I’ve been a certain way for x number of years and it’s hard to change. That’s some bullshit right there. I was blind to it before but my eyes are wide open. I carried a lot of weight around with me last year and I’m not talking about the pounds on a scale. I carried around sadness, anger, disappointment and a ton of other emotions. I had so many emotions in my arms that I was completely exhausted by the time December came around. Not just tired of things, utterly exhausted. Emotionally drained. I was tired of feeling certain ways, I was tired of thinking about the same things over and over and over until I felt like my brain was going to explode. I was crying all of the time. I was carrying so much anger for so many things that it was messing with every part of my life. So, I made the choice to let it all go. I dropped it all. I refused to carry that weight with me into the new year. It was dragging me down. I couldn’t move forward. It was keeping me from so many things, most of all from being happy. I had to let it go. For myself, for my family and for my sanity. And honestly, it wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Something just clicked one day and I told myself I could do this, I had to do this. I really think I channeled my Aunt Mare and she guided me through the process. And I feel so much lighter.

Sometimes life throws something at you that you never saw coming in a million years. It completely throws you off balance and sends your life in a new direction, into what feels like a new orbit. Life did that to my family in October. It threw something at my niece that no one expected. And while it was a direct hit on her, the ripples in our ocean that it casted had affected most of us. But I can’t sit here and say that it has been all bad. The initial impact of the situation was terrible; gut wrenching. But after that first hit and we knew my niece would be ok we accepted the situation for what it was and we made the choice to stay positive and move forward as best as we could. And my niece is amazing and has faced this battle head on and is kicking ass in her life. I never doubted that she would.

When these things happen in your life you truly get to see the people who are there for you no matter what. And you see how some people really are under the mask that they wear. You see those that do what they say, and those that don’t say anything at all. And many times, it’s the people you least expect who do the most for you. And the people you expect to be front and center in your life helping you through it all are nowhere to be found. And that is the biggest awakening my sister and I have had through all of this. We have always said that not everyone was raised like us, not everyone has the same morals and values and we understood that completely. And we never judged people too much for that, we accepted it for what it was and never gave it much thought. But when life knocks you on your ass and the people who supposedly love you most in the world, the people you’re closest to, aren’t there to help you up, you definitely notice it and it hurts. And we felt that hurt towards the end of last year. My nephew said it best though. He said we need to focus on the people who are there for us and forget about everyone else. And he is absolutely right. And that’s what we’re doing.

My sister is the best person in the world. That’s a fact. And it makes me sad to see her hurt by people she would do anything for, I want to hurt those people right back. Especially when it’s people associated with me who my sister has bent over backwards for, but I will let it go because that’s what we are doing for ourselves. Instead, I choose to focus on the hundreds of blessings that she is receiving from other people in her life. They may not be the closest people in her life, but they are showing up in ways that mean the most.

So, my sister and I have decided that we are going to change ourselves. And the biggest change that we’re making is that some people in our lives are only going to get from us what they give to us. And that one little change is going to be a rude awakening for some people. I’ve already seen the shift within us and I am damn proud of the two of us.

In all of my life I have never put myself first, ever. All of the people that I love were always placed above me and I was at the bottom of a very long list. But that’s all changing. I still won’t ever put myself first, I have a husband and a daughter that will always be before me. And right now, my niece is a strong 3^rd with my sister and nephew right behind her. So, I can say that I’m 6^th and that’s fine with me because it’s the closest to the top that I’ve ever been. See, I’ve come to the conclusion that it’s ok to be selfish since everyone else has done it my whole life. It’s ok to put my needs before others. It’s ok to say no to everyone’s requests. If you can’t be there for me and my family through this time of our lives then I no longer need to be there for you. Your life is not more important than mine. I won’t drop everything to make plans with people. I won’t be the one to check in all the time the way I ALWAYS have. The texts will stop, the phone calls will stop. If you can’t take a second to ask how my niece is doing then to be honest, I don’t give a shit about what you’re going through. I’ve had enough of being tossed aside and only called upon when people finally find the time for me or they need something. If you want to be in my life, you know where to find me. I am done chasing people. I will take the blame for all of the years that I let this happen. I never corrected the bad behavior; I just suffered and forgave everything. But that time of my life has ended. I’ve finally realized, and truly believe, that I’m worth more than that and I deserve better. So, yeah, changes are happening. And I’ve never felt better about who I’m becoming.