Finding the Light

I was in 8^th grade when I first thought about suicide. At that time that’s all it was, just a thought. A wondering of what it would be like if I was no longer alive. There was no substance behind it, no thoughts of acting on it. I didn’t say anything out loud, kept all of my thoughts to myself. Went on with my day to day but somewhere in the back of my mind it was still there.

Nothing catastrophic happened to me to make me think about it. I was in junior high and I think this is when I first started to feel lost. In elementary school I had my core group of friends and I knew most of the other students in my grade. A lot of us were in the same class for years. But when junior high came that’s when you get separated more by your intelligence. And so, I was in a lower class then most of my closest friends. And for the most part I was ok with that. I made new friends but it wasn’t the same. Things had changed and nobody told me they would.

I was starting high school soon and that scared the shit out of me. Really terrified me. I knew I was different from most people, especially the girls. I was nothing like them. Didn’t give a shit about makeup or even having a boyfriend yet. The problem with that is, if you’re not like everyone else then who are you? I didn’t have an answer to that when it seemed like everyone else did. I had no idea who I was, and what I did know about myself, I didn’t like. I thought for sure I wasn’t going to make it past my freshman year. I had no desire to be there, no desire to make new friends. I had no ambition. I didn’t think anyone would want to be friends with me so why bother trying?

But life is funny sometimes and you meet the people you’re supposed to meet and some change your life for the better. At the time I don’t think I realized this because I was constantly in my head. And every so often I would think about leaving this world. If I’m being honest, I faked my way through high school. I faked a lot of laughs; I faked the smiles and I faked being ok. I wasn’t ok. I hated myself. I couldn’t stand who I was. I was a fantastic bullshitter, a liar, pretending that everything in my life was perfect. I showed people only what they wanted to see, which was never really my true self. Probably only two people in high school knew the real me and thankfully they are both still in my life today. I made up things about myself so that I would seem normal to everyone else. And I know that everyone does this at some point in their life, especially high school. You just want to fit in and not seem like such an outsider. But it made me hate who I was even more. And then it made me wonder who my friends really cared about, the parts of me I made up or the real parts I let them peek at?

Back then I’m sure no one would think that I ever had suicidal thoughts. Even now, as people read this, I’m sure some of them will be shocked. And I completely understand that. Growing up I had a good life. I had parents who loved me, a sister who was always there for me, a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food on the table. I had a huge family filled with people who loved me. If you saw all that I had you would think I was crazy to want to give that up and leave it all behind. But it was never about other people. It was about my demons and the thoughts that filled my head. I think that when someone is thinking about suicide it has very little to do with anyone else and has everything to do with the battle they are fighting within themselves. Did I have people who loved me? Absolutely. Did I believe that they did? No. And that has nothing to do with anything they did or said but has everything to do with me and the toxic thoughts that were in my head. My demons. The darkness that I crawled into all of the time. And the thing about darkness is that no one ever really sees you.

I was my own worst enemy. No one had to say negative things to me, I said them to myself. I convinced myself that I was worthless, that I was nothing and that no one would care if I was gone. Being alone with your thoughts is a scary thing. And when these thoughts are on a constant loop in your brain, they are ingrained into you until you get to the point where you believe nothing else but what the voices in your head are telling you. And when you hear the same things over and over, when they drive you crazy, when you can’t make them stop, you just want to silence them. And killing yourself feels like the only answer, the only way you will find peace. I battled with this for years and no one really knew. And if someone did find out we’d talk about it, and I’d bullshit my way out of the conversation just to make it stop. And I would pretend I was ok, and maybe at times I was, but I was just finding better ways to hide myself. I was surrounded by people but felt so lonely.

The darkness can suck you in. It takes you to a place you don’t think you’ll ever be able to get out of. It consumes your every thought. No matter what good things are going on around you, you can’t see them. You know that they’re there but you can’t let go of the pain enough to enjoy them. You hurt all the time. Physically, mentally and emotionally and you don’t know why. I can’t sit here and give a reason for why I was this way, why I battled with it for years. I don’t know. Am I wired differently? Maybe. Did I not see anything in myself that I liked? Anything that was worth living for? Probably. But I still can’t give a definitive answer as to why I thought these things. It’s just who I was back then. I was lost. Inside the darkness, inside myself, inside my toxic thoughts.

I battled these thoughts, and myself, for 5 or 6 years. It wasn’t a constant thing. I’d have periods in my life when I thought I was better, when I was over these thoughts, and then something would happen to trigger them again. The reality was that I didn’t want to die, but I didn’t want to live this life either. And so where did that leave me? I can see myself in my room one day sitting on the floor. There’s a piece of glass in my hand, but for the life of me I don’t know why there would be glass, so maybe it was a small mirror. Whatever it was I took it and scraped it across my wrist, obviously not deep. I guess I just wanted to do the motion of it, I honestly have no idea what I was thinking. But I gave myself a scratch that bled slightly and when I saw the small dots of blood, I freaked out inside. I knew I didn’t do anything harmful but I still freaked out. That’s how I knew I didn’t want to die, but I still didn’t know how to stop the thoughts. I couldn’t shut that part of my brain off.

So, what turned it all around for me? What got me to stop thinking this way? My best friend. She saved me. It’s that simple. That is a day I will never forget. My parents were away and she slept over, which she  hardly ever did, but she did on that night because she was really worried about me. I was probably in the worst mind space I had ever been in and she was afraid of what I might do. So, she sat me down to talk to me but instead she just cried. Really cried. Deep sobs, ugly tears. I had never seen her cry like that before. And in that moment, I realized how much I was hurting her and I felt like the worst person in the world. I hadn’t realized what I was putting her through by being the way I was, but seeing her cry like that made it all hit me in the face. We talked but I couldn’t tell you what was said, until she was about to leave.

We were on my front porch and she said, ‘I don’t know what to do for you anymore. You have to want to live for yourself. But I know you can’t think like that right now. So, live for me. Promise me you won’t leave me here. Promise me you won’t do anything to yourself’. Promise me, those were the words she said. Anyone that knows me well knows that I don’t break my promises. Ever. I don’t throw the word promise around lightly. I don’t say it unless I absolutely, 1,000% mean it and know I can keep that promise. She knew what she was doing. She knew that if I made that promise then she could breathe again and know that I wouldn’t leave her. I didn’t respond right away. There was silence between us while my emotions fought with each other. After what felt like forever, I whispered, ‘I promise’. No other person, in no other moment, could have gotten me to say that. But she did, and I am beyond thankful for her every day of my life.

It wasn’t over just like that, but that was the last day I ever thought about suicide. It was also the day the fight within myself began. I had to fight my thoughts, fight my demons, fight the parts of me that still wanted to give up. I had to become a different person, which was fine with me because I hated who I was, I didn’t want that girl in my life anymore. And it wasn’t easy, but I don’t think it was supposed to be. I had to find my way out of the darkness. And it was scary, and it made me angry and sad and everything else. But I found my way. I found the light. I was lucky.

I try not to think about that time of my life too much. That girl I once was left over 25 years ago and she’s never coming back. But sometimes there are triggers in life that put you back in that place. I don’t go there in anger or to relive anything. But I do go back sometimes to see how far I have come. I had no intention of writing about this but yesterday I read about a college softball player who took her own life. I’ve seen her on tv, I watched her play. And when I heard the news I cried, just like I always do whenever I hear about someone who killed themselves. I remember last year reading about a female college lacrosse player and about a young boy who did it because he was bullied. I read an article that said 3 college athletes have committed suicide in the past 30 days. It makes me sad for so many reasons.

So, I cry for every one of them. I cry for their family; I cry for their friends. I cry for the pain I know they were in. I cry because they couldn’t see their story ending any other way. I truly believe that you can’t understand what someone is going through unless you’ve been there yourself. As a society it’s very easy for people to look down on others instead of trying to understand. It’s said they took the easy way out, they gave up, they should have gone on meds, they should have fought harder or talked more or asked for help. It’s easy to stand on the outside and say these things. But when you’re on the inside, when you live in a constant state of pain and depression, it’s not an easy thing to escape. It’s very easy to get lost within that darkness and convince yourself that the only way out is to end your life. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. The world needs to do better, to have more compassion and understanding. Check on the people in your life. Even the ones who act like everything is great. We are all battling something.

I try not to question how or why I made it to the other side of it all. I only try my best to be grateful that I did. I look at my life now and see all of the things I would have missed. All of the friends I wouldn’t have made, all of the memories I wouldn’t have. I wouldn’t know how it feels to have a man love me the way my husband loves me. I would have missed out on knowing my niece and nephew, who are two of the brightest lights in my life. I wouldn’t know what it’s like to have the bond I do with my niece, I wouldn’t know the genius of a boy my nephew is, I would have missed all of the laughter I get to share with the two of them. If I wasn’t here today, I wouldn’t be a mom. My daughter wouldn’t exist. I wouldn’t know her kindness, her sadness, her laughter or her smile. If I was not here, she wouldn’t be here, and that is the saddest thought to me because she is the best little girl in the world, who brings so much kindness and love to everyone she meets, which is what the world needs right now.

I wish everyone had a crystal ball. And when the despair got to be too much and we felt like giving in, we could look into that crystal ball and see just a tiny glimpse of the good we could have in the future. If everyone could just see something, one good thing, then maybe they could hold on a little longer and not give in to their pain. I didn’t see it for many years, but somewhere deep inside I had faith that it was there. My life is not perfect, I am not perfect. I still have days of sadness, depression, anger and anxiety. I don’t think that will ever go away completely, I’m not sure it’s supposed to, these things make us human. I am not completely where or who I want to be, but I know I’m so far from where and who I once was, and I will never go back there. And right now, that’s enough.