I See You

‘Look at me, Mom’, ‘Mom, watch me’. I hear you say these things to me so many times in one day. It feels like every minute you want me to turn my head to see what amazing thing you are doing at that moment. And you’ve always been like this, most kids are, but now that you’re older and doing more things, and learning new things, it definitely seems to happen more often. And every time you ask, I turn my head or look up from what I am doing and I watch you.

I watch you do the same dance for the 10^th time; I watch you jump rope, something you have gotten so good at recently, and count how many jumps you can do. I watch you do the hula hoop. I look at the outfit you have put together, the things you have your dolls do, your latest drawing. I look at it all. Even at times when I am in the middle of something. Even at times when I just watched you do the same thing five minutes before. Even at times when I don’t think I can look at the same thing one more time and act excited or amazed. And I try not to roll my eyes when you show me your 100^th drawing of a rainbow, and I try not to act annoyed when you ask me to watch you do something that isn’t new. And I fail at these things and I feel like a terrible Mom sometimes, but I’m only human and there’s only so much a person can take of the same thing.

I love everything you do and I am amazed each time you do something new. All through the summer I watched you grow into an amazing swimmer and every time I wondered how you did it and I felt such pride. But I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I am watching you all of the time. Even when you don’t know it, I am looking at you wondering what you’re going to do next. And these are the moments that I love the most. Every time you got into the pool you would call me so I could watch you jump in or go under. But I was also watching you as you gathered your breath and swam across the entire pool without lifting your head once. I watched your head come up out of the water as you reached the other side and I saw the pride you felt written all over your face. I felt that pride too. You didn’t need an audience, you did it for yourself.

I watch you through the rear-view mirror in the car as you sit in the backseat and sing along to the music that’s playing. I see the emotion in your face. I can imagine that, in your head, at that moment, you feel like you’re Elsa or Anna and you’re feeling how they felt in the movie. And you sing the words with the same emotion you hear them sing with. And I am in awe that at 7 you can have that moment with yourself. And I wish that I could go into your head and see what you’re thinking about as you stare out the window with such intensity. I see your emotional side in that moment.

I see you get so frustrated at times when things don’t go the way you think they should or you can’t figure something out. And that frustration brings you to tears sometimes which makes me sad because I think you put pressure on yourself that doesn’t need to be there. Nothing in life is perfect and no one is perfect either. And I wish you wouldn’t be so hard on yourself. And I tell you these things but the reality is that you need to figure this out for yourself. You need to learn that shit just happens sometimes and we just have to deal with it. And it’s not the end of the world if you get a math problem wrong or you pronounce a word incorrectly when you’re reading. I don’t care about these things. Making mistakes is how we learn.

The other side of that is I see how your face lights up when you do something you thought you couldn’t. You taught yourself how to jump rope in a matter of two days and now you can jump over 40 times in a row without stopping. I watch the smile form on your face as you count in your head and I know how proud you are of yourself. I see your creative side come out when you sit and draw. I watch you think of an idea and pause each time you’re not sure where you want to go next. I’ve been watching you grow as an artist for years. I saw your first little scribble and everything in between then and the amazing artist you are now. I see the fire in your eyes when you sit down with paper, whether it’s to draw or write your little stories. I know you don’t think I see you unless I’m right in front of you but I see the creativity you have all the time. I watch you from across the room as you dance to the music in your head and I know you are imagining yourself as the most beautiful ballerina on stage, dancing gracefully. And that view is magic to me.

I watch you play with Daddy and the love you have for him is written all over your face. It’s in the way you smile at him, it’s in the way only he can make you laugh. I see how you always want to be close to him, right by his side. I hear the little jokes the two of you share. I see all of the special moments you have together, I feel the bond you share.

I watch you play with your friends and I see how kind you are to everyone, always concerned about their happiness, never leaving anyone out. I see the way you look at your older cousin, wanting to do everything she does, trying to absorb all of her wisdom so that you can be just like her. I see how much you adore her and how you can’t wait to grow up so you can do the things she does. But I wish you would slow down and not want everything to go by so fast; things are already moving fast enough.

I see how much you care about your little cousins and how you want to teach them things. I watch you gently take their hands and lead them in the right direction. I see how patient you are when you don’t understand what they want or what they’re trying to say. I see the love and amazement in your eyes when you get to hold a new baby. I watch you softly touch their hand or stroke their cheek, being so careful not to hurt them in any way. I see you as the sweetest little girl in the world.

I have seen every smile on your face. I have seen every tear that you have cried. I’ve seen you at your best moments and your worst moments. I’ve seen every emotion written on your face and because of this I know how you’re feeling, sometimes even before you do. I see you baby girl, and I always will. Whenever you ask me to look at you or watch you do something I always will. But the moments I see you on my own, without you knowing, will always be my favorites.