Thoughts

I haven’t been myself lately. I think I’ve done a good job of hiding it but I can feel it deep within me, I’m not the same as I was months ago. And I wish I could say that something happened to me personally, or that I went through something, just so I can validate my feelings, but nothing like that has happened. It’s just the way things are lately and I get so angry that I have given the current situation so much power and control to put me in this state of mind.

For a while I was feeling sad and angry but lately, I just feel nothing. I can’t put a name to it. Maybe defeated? Maybe the world around me has gotten so heavy and I just don’t have the strength to hold it up anymore and keep it together.

It’s July, so I know that time is moving along and the days are passing by but most of the time I feel like no time has passed, like we’re all standing still while the world still moves around us. Every day is the same without much variation and since it has been this way for months now, I think I’ve accepted it as the new normal and I hate that. But then I think ‘what else is there for us to do?’. I almost miss my daughter having school work to do, which is crazy because it made me insane most days, but at least it was something to do in the day, something different, and it made a couple of hours pass without me having to think about how I am feeling. It was a distraction and even though we had bad days with it, it gave me something to be mad at. Most of the time I just hold it in now because the day is filled with just me and my daughter and I am doing my best to not let her see me the way I feel. So, I smile through the day, I play the games, I watch a movie with her when all I really want to do is break down and cry. And I normally take the time to do that but I’ve been holding it in because I don’t want to admit how much certain things are bothering me.

My husband has been working twelve-hour days, six days a week, with Sunday being his only day off. And while I am extremely grateful that he is working and we are financially stable when so many others aren’t, it has been very hard for me and my daughter. Mostly for her, but as time goes on, I’m slowly catching up to her level. It’s hard to explain to a six-year-old why Daddy has to work so much, why his job is important. She doesn’t care, and not in a mean way, she just wants to see her Daddy more. Most days she has a moment where she gets sad because she misses him, and at bedtime she cries because she wants to be with him and spend more time with him. And my heart breaks for her, and his is destroyed because there’s nothing he can do about it, this is just how it is right now.

But she’s only six. I’m forty-four and I can’t deal with it lately. He comes home, showers, eats dinner and whatever time he has left of the night goes to our daughter. And I understand that she needs him more than I do, but it’s going on four months of this schedule, and I realize that I need him too. Sometimes I feel like we’re roommates who occasionally share a meal together or see each other as we pass in the hallway. It’s a struggle. And I try not to complain because it’s not his fault and it only makes him feel bad. So, I hold it in and keep it together. It’s just the way it is right now.

My husband used to always tell me that what we choose to eat, what we put into our body, affects the way we feel, the way we think, our energy. And I never put much thought into what he said, I just listened and nodded. But when my daughter started the school year in September, I really made the effort to change myself. I started working out during the week, I got into a good routine, and I started eating better which led me to feeling better physically, mentally and emotionally. I could feel my energy shift to a better place, which made everything in my life better. But I have definitely fallen off the wagon with that and I can’t seem to get myself back on track. I justify having a drink at night by telling myself I’m stressed and I need to relax, and having a bowl of Cheetos for lunch is okay because I just don’t care. And these thoughts become toxic and mess with my head and my energy. And I feel the pull of who I used to be and it’s strong but I don’t want to go back to her at all. Something has to change before I lose myself completely.

Recently I was having dizzy spells and I wonder now if it really was all in my head or was my world around me spinning out of control? I feel tense all the time. My body feels tight and throughout the day I’ll realize that my shoulders are up, my face is frowning or my jaw is clenched. My body does this without me even realizing it, as if it is constantly on the defense waiting for something to happen. And this tension isn’t good for any part of me but I can’t seem to find a way to relax. I constantly feel on edge about absolutely nothing. And this feeling has taken my desire away. I feel like I have nothing in me. My desire to write has been so minuscule that it’s scary. The thoughts in my head are moving around so fast and I can’t concentrate enough to catch one. I’m good at making excuses for things not getting done and it’s worse than ever lately. My desire to do things, anything that we can right now, hasn’t been there either. I just want to read my books and silence the world around me.

I think I’m just tired. Not physically, but emotionally and mentally tired. I’m tired of the way things are for everyone and I’m tired of things that have nothing to do with that. I’m tired of texts that don’t get answered, of plans that don’t get made, of people thinking that their problems are worse or more important than anything I might be going through. I’m tired of always being the one to check in on everyone and them thinking that I don’t need the same concern. I’m tired of not having anything to look forward to because no one knows what each day is going to bring. I’m tired of people thinking they know me so well that they know what I mean when I say something or do something, meanwhile they are so far from knowing the truth. I’m tired of not getting the credit I deserve for something that is all mine. I’m tired of the shit that comes out of some people’s mouths. I’m tired of the negativity that I see or read or hear. I’m tired of social media. I’m tired of worrying what people might say or feel if I truly spoke my mind and just told everyone to ‘fuck off’ for a while. I’m tired of missing my husband while he sits right next to me. I’m tired of seeing my daughter cry. I’m just so tired of it all.

I normally try to end my posts with something positive but I just don’t want to with this one. The truth is, I’ve been burying these feelings deep inside and giving them too much power over me and everything around me. So now they’re out and I need to give them time to slowly leave my mind, body and soul. And that may take some time, but at least they’re out there for me to acknowledge and deal with. Writing frees me from my demons and I’ve held onto these for too long. And just now, my shoulders fell and my jaw unclenched. It’s a start.