Hello, old friend

It’s been a long time since I put pen to paper. Too long, honestly. Sitting at my desk I had to wipe dust off of my notebook which is never a good sign. Realizing how long it has been makes me feel everything from anger to sadness. Anger at myself for not having the discipline that is needed to be a good writer. Sadness thinking that maybe I have been fooling myself all of these years and I’m not as good as people say I am. Sadness thinking that maybe I just don’t have it in me anymore. I don’t have the words or the desire. But deep down I know that’s not true. I think about writing all of the time. I have so many thoughts in my head that they fight for my attention. I think lately, it’s just a lot of things at once.

I was doing good with my writing schedule. Nowhere near where I should be but better than I have ever been in my life. Starting my blog gave me a purpose, gave me a release. The last thing I posted was in February, a post for my Grandma which, I admit, was hard for me to write. Especially one of the paragraphs that seemed to have a life of its own and came out of nowhere because before I sat down to write, these thoughts weren’t in my head. And that’s how it goes sometimes. And mostly, when that happens, you write exactly what needs to be said even if you didn’t realize it at the time. The beginning of March was my fault. I knew what I wanted to write about, I still do, it’s all laid out in my head, but I kept putting it off because in that entry I might go places I haven’t been ready to go, say things I haven’t been ready to say. In fact, while writing it in my head a while ago I heard words I’ve never said out loud before, words I never admitted to myself before, but I will.

Then the middle of March came and my whole world changed, along with everyone else’s. Schools were closed and overnight I had to become my daughter’s teacher, something I never thought I’d have to do. Her education was put into my hands and, honestly, I didn’t like it at all. It has gotten better since then but those first few weeks were rough, both on myself and my daughter. My schedule got thrown off, my routine was disrupted, and realistically I was thrown off. I’m thankful that my daughter is only in first grade so her work is fairly easy but I just don’t have the patience for it sometimes. I’m the type of person who, once I get used to things being a certain way, I don’t want them to change. I had my daily routine of her going to school, me getting a workout in, doing things around the house, having time to myself, and getting writing done, and just like that, my routine was taken away from me. And I can be honest and say that it pissed me off and my attitude turned to shit most days.

I’m not scared about what’s going on in the world, I don’t have a need to be. My family and I are doing what we have to in order to stay safe. And when everything first happened and ‘social distancing’ became an everyday term I was like, ‘no problem, I’ve been social distancing my whole life, nothing new for me’. I’m definitely an introvert. I’d much rather be home then be at a party. Most of the time my response to an invitation to something is a solid ‘no’, but that’s always been my choice. Now that someone is telling me I have to do it; it’s becoming a problem. I’ll do it, but I don’t like it. I don’t do well with being told what to do.

My mother’s birthday was last week and we drove to her house and stood outside to yell Happy Birthday to her. We stood in her driveway, kept our distance, and talked for a while. But in the days leading up to her birthday all I kept thinking was that when I saw her, I couldn’t hug her. I couldn’t hug my mother on her birthday, even though she was right there in front of me, and that is some fucked up shit. My sister lives two doors down from me and so we do see each other, but she hasn’t been able to hug my daughter in almost two months, and I know that kills both of them. Try explaining to a six-year-old that she can’t hug her aunt who she loves to death; it’s not easy. My parents are dying to hug their grandchildren. They miss them so much that they recently came over, brought two chairs, sat in my driveway and played catch with my daughter, while talking to my sister’s two kids, from a distance of course. These are the things that mess with my head the most.

This situation we’re all in has messed with my anxiety and my sanity. It has made me feel such anger, such sadness, and some days, even a little hopeless. I have definitely been depressed over it, enough to want to just break down and cry. I have been so angry that the sound of a text coming in on my cell phone has made me want to throw it across the room and watch it shatter into a hundred pieces. It has made me feel so overwhelmed with so much emotion that I felt like I was going to explode at times. I let too much negativity seep into my skin and get to my bones and blood. I felt it coursing through my veins. I hit that bottom and writing was something I kept putting off. My writing got affected because that negativity made me not care, it took all of my energy, took away my desire. And I let that happen.

But today is a new day. Today was one of the better days I have had in a while emotionally. Today I laughed with my daughter, I learned with my daughter, I played with my daughter. And because of that I had the energy to get my ass in this chair and write. I am back to a starting point and I only want to move forward. Life is what it is right now, we can only accept it. I was texting with my aunt the other day and she said, ‘one day at a time, that’s our new normal’. And she’s right. But maybe this shouldn’t have been a new thing, maybe this is how we were meant to live all along. One day at a time. Today was a good day, and I believe more days will be like this one.