Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday, Gram.

I hate that you’re not here. And I know Grandpa always taught us that hate was a very strong word and we shouldn’t say it, but he’ll have to forgive me this one time because there is no other word I can use right now. I hate that I couldn’t send you a card. I hate that I can’t call you and hear your voice. I hate that I have to replay our last conversation in my head so I can remember your voice. I hate that I have to write these words down, put Happy Birthday on paper, and hope that you see them or hear my thoughts somehow. I hate it all. And I know it’s not good for me to have this anger inside but sometimes I’d rather the anger because I can control it, or project it onto something else, instead of it being just sadness, which sometimes overwhelms me.

I still haven’t gotten to the point where I can look at your picture and just smile. The tears just form on their own no matter how hard I try. I do have faith in knowing that day will come, but it’s not today, or tomorrow, or even next week. Maybe I have to get through the first year without you and then maybe it will be easier. Or maybe it won’t. To be honest, I didn’t think I would still be like this. But it’s your first birthday not here with us. It’s the last of the firsts. The first Mother’s Day without you sucked. I think that happened too fast and I wasn’t ready for it. Skylar’s birthday hit me hard too because you were there the year before even though you weren’t feeling 100% and that meant so much to me. I hung the picture I took of you and her in her room and I see it every day. Then we had all of the first holidays and that wasn’t good at all, Christmas was the worst. So today, your birthday, is the last of the firsts and hopefully this time next year we’ll all be a little better.

Of course, your anniversary is in twelve days. In twelve days you’ll be gone a year. And that bitch called time is in my face, in my head, laughing because there’s nothing I can do about it. To know a year has gone by already is mind blowing. I can’t understand how that time just slipped by so fast. And I think about how many days I cried for you, every time the realization of you being gone hit me all over again. I still can’t believe it some days and that makes me crazy because all of the other people I have lost in my life I’ve accepted that they’re gone. But some part of me won’t accept your loss. And I wish I knew why.

I was thinking last night about puzzles. And how when you’re in the process of doing one, at some point, you’re bound to misplace a piece. And it might take you a minute, or ten minutes or longer to find that piece. And all the while you’re looking for it, you’re filled with aggravation because you know the puzzle is not complete without all of the pieces. And I think that’s how I feel. I’m missing a piece of myself, of my heart, of my life and I don’t feel complete, I don’t feel whole, the picture doesn’t look the same. And no matter how much time passes, I’ll never get that piece back, there will always be an empty space. And that’s the hardest thing to accept.

Gram, I’m sorry I didn’t see you more. I’m sorry that it’s only now that these words and feelings are coming out. I’m sorry I took for granted the fact that you were always around. I’m sorry I didn’t make more family parties, missing the chance to see you and spend time with you. And when I did see you, I’m sorry I didn’t sit down and talk with you more. I’m sorry I never danced with you at a wedding, except for my own. I’m sorry I didn’t learn more from you and absorb the endless knowledge you had about everything. I’m sorry I didn’t bake with you. I’m sorry I didn’t go above and beyond to tell you how much I love you and how important you are to me. I hope you know now. Maybe it’s because of all of these things that losing you has been so hard for me. And that’s just something I have to deal with.

I hope you have a beautiful birthday in heaven with Grandpa. I know you wouldn’t want me to still be so sad, but it’s hard down here without you. I promise to try to do better, and be better, and cry only happy tears remembering the amazing woman you are, remembering all of my special moments with you, remembering the love. Your love is one of the greatest gifts I have ever received and I will treasure it always and carry it with me wherever I go.