EveryCookieCrumbles

I was born into a Catholic family and was raised Catholic. I went to church every Sunday and I received all of my sacraments. But no one ever asked me if I wanted to be a Catholic. And I understand that this is just the way life is; you’re born into a family and you take on their religion. My parents are Catholic, their parents were Catholic and so on. And for many years of my life I went along with it, took it for what it was, never questioned anything. For most of my life I feel like I was forced to believe whatever I was taught by the church. I had no say. Whatever the church believed, whatever my parents believed, along with all other Catholics, was to be what I believed. But as I got older, I developed my own opinion about religion and what it means to me. And while I still believe some of the things I was taught, most of it doesn’t make sense to me anymore.

Do I consider myself a Catholic? I’m really not sure and I honestly don’t think it even matters. Why do I have to put a label on my beliefs? I don’t go to church anymore unless I have to for a funeral or a wedding. So other Catholics may say that I’m ‘lapsed’ because I don’t practice the religion, and that’s fine with me. I don’t feel like I need to physically be in a church to come across God. If I’m being honest, the church has never done anything for me. I have never felt anything extraordinary being in a Catholic church. No warm, fuzzy feelings come over me. Mass has always been boring to me, and maybe comes across as a little crazy, even cultish.

Think about it. Every week it’s the same thing. I could sit here right now and tell you what goes on from start to finish. The only thing that changes from week to week are the readings. Other than that, as a group, we all stand at the same time, we sit and kneel at the same time, we recite the same prayers at the same time every week, word for word. And when I do step foot in a church for a mass, I try my hardest not to have the prayers echo in my head. I try to think of a song or a movie scene but the words still go off somewhere in my mind and I swear it feels like I’ve been brainwashed all these years. And after all of the prayers are done and the gospel is read a priest stands on the altar and tells you what he thinks about what he just read. His interpretation. In essence, he’s telling you how you should feel. But no one ever asks how YOU actually feel or what you think about what is being told to you. My opinion doesn’t matter, my feelings don’t matter and that’s what I’ve been taught all these years. Whatever is in the Bible is the only truth we are allowed to know. It’s written for us to see, and learn and believe, with no questions asked. And you’re either with it or you’re not, and I guess I’m not anymore.

At my Grandmother’s funeral the priest talked about her suffering. And he assured all of us that God was with her while she suffered and we should all take comfort in that. And as I sat in the pew, my head was about to explode. I wanted to stand up and scream ‘He was the one who caused her suffering. So, it’s real nice that He comforted her, but she wouldn’t have needed comfort if He didn’t make her sick in the first place’. My Grandmother didn’t deserve to suffer, and I’m not saying anyone does, but she of all people DID NOT deserve it. When she got sick, I was so mad at God. At the time she was 88 and I thought ‘what the fuck is the point in making her sick now?’ If it was her time and God wanted her so bad, He could have taken her peacefully in her sleep one night. She deserved that act of kindness, of mercy from her God because she dedicated so much of her life to the church and her faith. She left her fate in God’s hands and believed in His plan. And while I may not agree with everything she believed in, I respected her faith immensely.

As a Catholic I was taught, or maybe this is just how I interpreted things, that all the glory goes to God. Everything good in our life is because of Him. But the bad stuff that happens is on us, is because of the poor choices we have made in life. How fucked up is that logic? Everything good that happens to me, everything I may accomplish is all because of God, but the bad things I do or go through are my fault. We can never blame God for that. That can really mess with a person’s mind. And I just can’t get on board with that way of thinking. I don’t blame God for the things I have been through in my life, or for the bad things that have happened. That’s just life. But I’m also not going to give Him all the credit for the good in my life, some things maybe, but not all. I have a roof over my head, food on my table and clothes on my back because of my husband who goes to work every day to make the money to provide for his family. And I thank my husband for that because he made the decision to do that for me and our daughter. He doesn’t have to, but he chooses to.

Many people are born with a gift, I truly believe that. And I believe that gift comes from a higher power. It is put into us when we first come into this world. But what we choose to do with that gift is up to each individual. Do I think my writing is a gift? Sometimes I do. And like I said once before I wasted that gift for many years. Should I blame God for that? Absolutely not, that’s on me and the choices I have made my whole life. The other side of that is if I had made a ton of money from my writing or written a bunch of books, should God get all the credit? Absolutely not. That would also be on me and all of my effort and hard work. So, I can thank this higher power for giving me this gift, but it ends there. Whatever comes from it, good or bad, comes from me.

I believe there is a God, I believe there are many Gods. My God is not the only one to believe in. I believe there is definitely a higher power. I believe in all of the angels and saints, and I believe that my loved ones are in a heaven where they are together and looking down on us, guiding us just as much as any God in the heavens. I believe that this world, this universe, is too big for there not to be more than one God. One of the problems I have with Catholics is that many of them, including people in my own life,  walk around like their religion is the only one that matters and if you don’t believe what they believe then you are less than them. That is some major bullshit. It infuriates me at Christmas time when I see all of these Catholics on social media with their memes about saying Merry Christmas and how mad they get when they think people are telling them they can’t say it, and how they don’t care, they’re going to say it anyway. It pisses me off because what they’re really saying is that they don’t care about your religion or your holiday, only Christmas matters. For me, I find it so disrespectful to disregard other faiths, so I am of the ‘Happy Holidays’ greeting. Unless I know for sure what your religion is, I will just wish for you to enjoy your holiday, whatever it may be. That doesn’t make me a bad Catholic, that makes me a decent human being. Thinking your religion is better than someone else’s only adds to the toxicity in this world and I want no part of that.

I believe in many things. I believe we all have a guardian angel helping us walk our path. I believe in fate and that some things are just meant to be and I have faith in believing that, whether or not I’m ever proven right. I pray when I feel an absolute need to but I pray to my angels. I pray to my Godmother, to my father-in-law and most recently to my Grandmother. I believe in love, I believe in my family, I believe in miracles and I don’t feel the need to say for sure where those miracles come from. My daughter is a miracle and I can’t look at her and not believe in a higher power at work. When a doctor says that she has no idea how I ever got pregnant I put my faith in all my angels working together to help create my daughter, who was born with a birthmark on the back of her head that a NICU nurse referred to as an angel’s kiss, and I know that was my father-in-law, I believe it was him. And my daughter is kind and caring and has a beautiful soul. She is love and I believe in her. I believe in the beautiful way my niece dances on stage and takes my breath away. I believe in the genius, and the curiosity and the wonder that is my nephew. I believe in the love that I see in my parents and I believe in the values they instilled in me about family that has nothing to do with religion. I believe in my husband, and in my marriage and everything we have been through, good and bad, to get to this place we’re at now. I believe in my daughter’s laugh and her smile, in my sister’s kind heart. I believe these are the things that make my world better. Above everything I believe in love. Love has made me laugh, it has made me cry, it has made me feel everything I have ever felt. Love makes me who I am, love makes me do the things I do. Love is amazing, love is painful, love is gentle, love is fierce. Love is the only thing that matters. Getting it is great, but giving it out to the world is amazing, it’s what we’re here for. I believe in God, my God, the one I envision for myself. And He is not found in a church, He is everywhere I look, in every person in my life. Am I a good Catholic? Probably not, but that’s ok because I believe I’m a good person and that’s the most important thing I can be.

If there was one thing I would want for you it’s for you to not be like me. I would never want you to look at me and strive to be that when you’re older. Sure, you can have my attitude, I think you’ve had that since the day you were born, and you can have my toughness and good heart, which I like to believe I have, but don’t live your life the way I did and don’t just settle for being someone you don’t absolutely love to be.

You have to love yourself. Love who you are. You don’t have to love everything about yourself but that’s normally things on the outside. You have to love who you are on the inside. You have to be happy with the kind of person you are and you have to know that it’s ok to make yourself happy first before you make anyone else happy. It’s ok to be selfish that way as long as you’re not too selfish and as long as you don’t hurt someone else in the process.

Do what you want with your life. I don’t care if your life goal is to be a bartender, or a garbage woman, or the president. I just want you to be happy with yourself and the choices you make. I will never push you to be someone you don’t want to be. I want you to try different things because that’s the only way to know what you like and don’t like, but if you don’t like something then you don’t have to do it, or eat it, or use it, or whatever. You’ll try 100 things before you find the one thing that makes your soul come alive, that makes your heart skip a beat. Don’t go through life never knowing what that is.

Don’t live a life where you regret so many things that you didn’t do. Don’t be a 43-year-old woman watching TV and seeing all of the possibilities she never pursued. Don’t just watch other people doing things, go out and do them yourself. Don’t read about things or see them on TV or in a movie to get a sense of what it’s like to do them. Get up, go out and try all of those things. Don’t wonder about everything, experience it yourself. You don’t want to live a life wondering what you could have become, wondering about all of the things you could have done. I feel like I do that a lot and it really sucks. It sucks to live a life of ‘what ifs’. It sucks to say to yourself every day ‘if only I did…’. Don’t ever think it’s too late to make changes in your life because every day is a new beginning. Do whatever you can not to get to a point in your life where you look back and see nothing.

You’re going to learn that life is too short to be unhappy for too long. There’s going to be sadness in your life and unfortunately you will feel pain more than once. But don’t let that ruin any happiness you are able to feel. Don’t hold onto any hurt that you feel because it will cripple you and suffocate you and I would never want you to live like that.

You have to grab life with both hands. Set your sights on what you want and don’t stop moving forward until you get everything your heart desires. Don’t let other people discourage you, put you down or spit on your dreams. Don’t let anyone tell you that you’re not good enough or that you’ll never get what you want. Those people are just pissed off because they didn’t have the balls to go after what they wanted in their own life so they try to make others as miserable as they are and bring people down. Don’t ever let anyone do that to you. Don’t let anyone ever take any of your happiness away from you, not even me or your father. No one in this entire world has the right to take away or ruin your happiness. Not everyone gets what they want, and unfortunately some people never find true happiness. So whenever and wherever you find it, grab it and don’t let it go.

Dream big baby…as big as your heart and mind can dream. Reach for the highest star and never give up until you have it in your hands. You can do anything. You’ve been proving me right about that since the day you were born, and I don’t think you’re ever going to stop.

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who came on here yesterday and read my post. I was very surprised by the response I received. I honestly thought that the only people who would read my blog would be my husband and my sister. But so many of you clicked the link and took the time to read my words. My phone kept going off with the notifications of followers and comments being left and I received many texts and messages, which were all appreciated more than you will ever know. I was completely caught off guard by your responses. To have some of you use the words ‘powerful’ and ‘inspiring’ to describe what I wrote blew me away. I wasn’t expecting any of it, but you sure know how to make a girl feel good about what she’s done. I have to say that as much as I loved all of the responses, the best for me was having my 17 year old niece text me that she was proud of me. That got me right in the heart, it meant more to me than I think she realizes. And when your niece says something like that then you know you’re doing the right thing.

I realized yesterday that not everyone who knows me knows I am a writer. It’s hard for me to even call myself that sometimes, but I’m working on it. It’s my own fault that people don’t know because I don’t talk about it, I never bring it up in conversation, and when someone asks me what I do I don’t think I have ever answered ‘I’m a writer’. And I think that’s out of fear and embarrassment because when you say you’re a writer the next question is usually, ‘have you been published?’. I haven’t so I never want to start that conversation. And I know that being published isn’t why people do it, we do it because we have something to say in a way that only we can say it. But to other people, if you’re not published, then you’re not a writer. And it makes me feel like a failure, like I’m not good enough. And I know I shouldn’t let other people’s opinions get to me but sometimes it’s hard not to. And sometimes it’s my opinion too. All these years and nothing has been good enough to publish. I’ve come close, gotten many nice replies from magazines saying they liked my work but it just wasn’t right at the time. And that’s the hard part about writing. Writing the perfect piece, at the exact right moment for a specific publication. It can drive you insane. But I’ll keep moving forward and try to get better.

I think I got off track a little, that happens with this brain of mine. What I really want to say is that the overwhelming, beautiful response I got from all of you yesterday has made my confidence sky rocket. You have no idea how happy and proud I felt yesterday, so thank you for that. I write a lot of different things. Short stories, songs, essays and I even have the start of two novels, but one is crap and needs to be started over, which I will do, because I believe I can. And now, more than ever, I want to. In between posts I might share some of my other work with you and please don’t ever hesitate to give an honest opinion. I can’t get better if I don’t know what isn’t working.

I appreciate each and every one of you for all of the love and support you have given me. It didn’t go unnoticed and I will take it with me every time I put pen to paper.

Happy New Year! Yes, I know it’s already April and three months of 2019 have already passed but I feel like now is when my year will start. The first three months went by so quickly and they are a blur so I have chosen to say they don’t count. I didn’t do things I told myself I would start doing. My mind and body never got into anything completely. I can give you all the excuses I have as to why I didn’t do these things but the bottom line is, life happens, and things don’t go according to plan. So, it’s the beginning of April and I have chosen to start my new year now. And among working out and eating better, starting this blog was the thing to do.

You might be thinking ‘why now?’ and I have a few different reasons. The first happened a few months ago, back when I should have started this blog, but procrastination is my best friend, and that’s all I can say. But a few months ago I was watching the Golden Globes and Glenn Close won her award and her speech awoke something in me. She talked about her Mom who, at 80 years old, told Glenn she felt like she hadn’t accomplished anything, and that made me feel such sadness. Then Glenn said that as women ‘we have to find personal fulfillment, we have to follow our dreams’, and I thought to myself, Holy shit, Glenn Close is talking to me. Three months later her words still echo in my head, so I’m here now. I am a wife, I am a mother, but I need to be more. I need to be something for me.

I turned 43 in March and I realized that time isn’t stopping or slowing down and if I don’t do this now am I ever really going to do it? I have wasted so much time, seriously wasted it, and I can’t do it anymore. I’ve been ‘writing’ for many years and I put writing in quotes because the reality is that I’ve been procrastinating while writing on the side. I swear if there was a support group I would be the poster child. And I don’t know why I do it. The switch in my mind doesn’t go off so I decided to take a hammer to that switch and try to change what I’ve been doing all these years because it’s clearly not working. I can’t waste any more time because I could leave this world tomorrow and I’d have nothing to show for it, no footprint, no way to tell anyone that I was here, except for my daughter, who is my greatest accomplishment.

The final reason as to why now is my Grandmother. She passed away a few weeks ago and before she died she told my uncle all of the things she wanted him to say in her eulogy. All that she was proud of, and of course being a wife and mother were the two most important things to her. But then there was a list of things she had done, all that she accomplished. And those things weren’t wrapped up in anyone else, they were all about her. And I realized that I want to be able to have a list like that. I don’t want it to be said that I was a great wife and a loving mother and nothing else.

In writing, everyone always talks about your platform. What will you be known for, what’s your specialty? And I don’t really have one. This blog isn’t a mommy blog or a marriage blog, it’s a life blog. The truth is I have so many thoughts in my head I couldn’t pick just one to focus on. I want to write about it all. There are things that I need to say, to get off my chest, to get out of my head so I can stop obsessing over them. Will everyone like everything I say? Absolutely not. Do I care? Not really. And I don’t want to sound mean or cocky. The truth is, worrying about what others will think or say is the main reason I have held back with my writing. I can’t do that anymore. I have to do this for me. And I hope it will be therapeutic and it will heal some old scars. And maybe someone else will read it and it will help them too.

I titled my blog everycookiecrumbles based on a conversation I had with one of my aunts. I was upset about something and she said ‘you’re a tough cookie, but even tough cookies crumble sometimes’. And I think that sums me up perfectly. I put up my walls, I have a tough exterior, and that makes people think I am stronger than I really am. The truth is I crumble all the time. Just like everyone else. So, I’m going on this journey and maybe some of you will come along. You might like it, you might love it, you might hate everything that I write. And that is perfectly fine because even if you hate it, at the end of the day, at least I made you feel something.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton