Thank You

I wanted to say thank you to everyone who came on here yesterday and read my post. I was very surprised by the response I received. I honestly thought that the only people who would read my blog would be my husband and my sister. But so many of you clicked the link and took the time to read my words. My phone kept going off with the notifications of followers and comments being left and I received many texts and messages, which were all appreciated more than you will ever know. I was completely caught off guard by your responses. To have some of you use the words ‘powerful’ and ‘inspiring’ to describe what I wrote blew me away. I wasn’t expecting any of it, but you sure know how to make a girl feel good about what she’s done. I have to say that as much as I loved all of the responses, the best for me was having my 17 year old niece text me that she was proud of me. That got me right in the heart, it meant more to me than I think she realizes. And when your niece says something like that then you know you’re doing the right thing.

I realized yesterday that not everyone who knows me knows I am a writer. It’s hard for me to even call myself that sometimes, but I’m working on it. It’s my own fault that people don’t know because I don’t talk about it, I never bring it up in conversation, and when someone asks me what I do I don’t think I have ever answered ‘I’m a writer’. And I think that’s out of fear and embarrassment because when you say you’re a writer the next question is usually, ‘have you been published?’. I haven’t so I never want to start that conversation. And I know that being published isn’t why people do it, we do it because we have something to say in a way that only we can say it. But to other people, if you’re not published, then you’re not a writer. And it makes me feel like a failure, like I’m not good enough. And I know I shouldn’t let other people’s opinions get to me but sometimes it’s hard not to. And sometimes it’s my opinion too. All these years and nothing has been good enough to publish. I’ve come close, gotten many nice replies from magazines saying they liked my work but it just wasn’t right at the time. And that’s the hard part about writing. Writing the perfect piece, at the exact right moment for a specific publication. It can drive you insane. But I’ll keep moving forward and try to get better.

I think I got off track a little, that happens with this brain of mine. What I really want to say is that the overwhelming, beautiful response I got from all of you yesterday has made my confidence sky rocket. You have no idea how happy and proud I felt yesterday, so thank you for that. I write a lot of different things. Short stories, songs, essays and I even have the start of two novels, but one is crap and needs to be started over, which I will do, because I believe I can. And now, more than ever, I want to. In between posts I might share some of my other work with you and please don’t ever hesitate to give an honest opinion. I can’t get better if I don’t know what isn’t working.

I appreciate each and every one of you for all of the love and support you have given me. It didn’t go unnoticed and I will take it with me every time I put pen to paper.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year! Yes, I know it’s already April and three months of 2019 have already passed but I feel like now is when my year will start. The first three months went by so quickly and they are a blur so I have chosen to say they don’t count. I didn’t do things I told myself I would start doing. My mind and body never got into anything completely. I can give you all the excuses I have as to why I didn’t do these things but the bottom line is, life happens, and things don’t go according to plan. So, it’s the beginning of April and I have chosen to start my new year now. And among working out and eating better, starting this blog was the thing to do.

You might be thinking ‘why now?’ and I have a few different reasons. The first happened a few months ago, back when I should have started this blog, but procrastination is my best friend, and that’s all I can say. But a few months ago I was watching the Golden Globes and Glenn Close won her award and her speech awoke something in me. She talked about her Mom who, at 80 years old, told Glenn she felt like she hadn’t accomplished anything, and that made me feel such sadness. Then Glenn said that as women ‘we have to find personal fulfillment, we have to follow our dreams’, and I thought to myself, Holy shit, Glenn Close is talking to me. Three months later her words still echo in my head, so I’m here now. I am a wife, I am a mother, but I need to be more. I need to be something for me.

I turned 43 in March and I realized that time isn’t stopping or slowing down and if I don’t do this now am I ever really going to do it? I have wasted so much time, seriously wasted it, and I can’t do it anymore. I’ve been ‘writing’ for many years and I put writing in quotes because the reality is that I’ve been procrastinating while writing on the side. I swear if there was a support group I would be the poster child. And I don’t know why I do it. The switch in my mind doesn’t go off so I decided to take a hammer to that switch and try to change what I’ve been doing all these years because it’s clearly not working. I can’t waste any more time because I could leave this world tomorrow and I’d have nothing to show for it, no footprint, no way to tell anyone that I was here, except for my daughter, who is my greatest accomplishment.

The final reason as to why now is my Grandmother. She passed away a few weeks ago and before she died she told my uncle all of the things she wanted him to say in her eulogy. All that she was proud of, and of course being a wife and mother were the two most important things to her. But then there was a list of things she had done, all that she accomplished. And those things weren’t wrapped up in anyone else, they were all about her. And I realized that I want to be able to have a list like that. I don’t want it to be said that I was a great wife and a loving mother and nothing else.

In writing, everyone always talks about your platform. What will you be known for, what’s your specialty? And I don’t really have one. This blog isn’t a mommy blog or a marriage blog, it’s a life blog. The truth is I have so many thoughts in my head I couldn’t pick just one to focus on. I want to write about it all. There are things that I need to say, to get off my chest, to get out of my head so I can stop obsessing over them. Will everyone like everything I say? Absolutely not. Do I care? Not really. And I don’t want to sound mean or cocky. The truth is, worrying about what others will think or say is the main reason I have held back with my writing. I can’t do that anymore. I have to do this for me. And I hope it will be therapeutic and it will heal some old scars. And maybe someone else will read it and it will help them too.

I titled my blog everycookiecrumbles based on a conversation I had with one of my aunts. I was upset about something and she said ‘you’re a tough cookie, but even tough cookies crumble sometimes’. And I think that sums me up perfectly. I put up my walls, I have a tough exterior, and that makes people think I am stronger than I really am. The truth is I crumble all the time. Just like everyone else. So, I’m going on this journey and maybe some of you will come along. You might like it, you might love it, you might hate everything that I write. And that is perfectly fine because even if you hate it, at the end of the day, at least I made you feel something.