Today is my last day in my 40’s. I’m not sure how I feel about that. My attitude towards it changes from day to day. On the one hand, I think 50 is just a number and it’s no big deal. I won’t wake up tomorrow being a different person, or feeling a completely different way, or looking any different. On the other hand, I think, ‘HOLY SHIT I’m going to be 50!’ and it freaks me out a little bit. My husband and I were talking about it and he said ‘well, you definitely don’t look 50’ to which I rolled my eyes because he’s biased and will never say that I look my age. He then asked if I felt 50 and that answer can change from day to day. Overall, I don’t, but when my bones are cracking in the morning and my joints are aching, I sometimes feel like I’m 70. The third question is ‘do I act 50’? I don’t think I have ever acted my age. I’m not even sure what that truly means. I think sometimes life dictates how we act. Sometimes our circumstances force us to act older than we are, and sometimes life is light and we can act younger with no consequences. And I think that’s how I live. I’m serious when I need to be, sometimes even when I don’t need to be, and I’m laid back when life allows me to be. The other night my husband and I were laughing so hard over something he said more than 25 years ago that we both remember like it was yesterday. And in that moment, I felt like we were 20 and just dating.
When I started to think about writing this post I reflected on the last decade of my life. Were my 40’s my best years? I can easily say no. I’m not sure we can assign the word ‘best’ to any one year or any set of years because life isn’t perfect. And within a set amount of time, you go through both good and bad and sometimes there’s more of one than the other. I’d like to believe that none of us have had our best years yet and that will always be something we look forward to. I got married in my 20’s and had my daughter in my 30’s, two of the best things to happen in my life. But those weren’t my best years because I can list bad things that happened in those years as well. I got married in 2001. That year should have been great with wedding plans and exciting things going on. But in February of that year my Godmother passed away unexpectedly and I carried that with me for a long time. My daughter was born in 2013, when I was 37, and that will always be the best day of my life. But my 30’s kind of sucked because I struggled for so long to get pregnant and have her. Like ‘The Facts of Life’ said, ‘you take the good, you take the bad’.
When I look back on my 40’s I see everything. I see laughter, I see tears, I see grief, I see anger, I see frustration, I see fear and I see love. My 40’s is quite possibly when I experienced every emotion there is, when I went through so much, both with other people and with myself. These last 10 years I lost so many important people in my life. I sit here with tears in my eyes thinking about them. I’ve experienced death so many times but this decade took away people that were such important parts of my life, starting with my Grandma. I was 42 when she passed and it wrecked me, so much that I still have a hole in my heart from missing her. I struggled a lot in my 40’s and so many times I wished I still had her here to talk to; to absorb her wisdom to make life easier. At 46 I lost my Aunt Jo and at 47 I lost my Aunt Mare. I hardly had time to breathe and grasp the fact that I lost one before I lost the other. I felt both of these losses immensely and am still affected every day by not having them here, especially my Aunt Mare. She was a great listener and I’ve struggled these years without her. I would’ve given anything to talk to her one more time on my worst days. I still grieve for them and I’m not sure I’ll ever be over these losses but I’ve come to accept that it’s ok to not get over it. I’ve accepted that they’re gone but it’s ok to miss them as much as I do and I probably always will.
It’s amazing how many memories come into your head when you take the time to sit and reflect. Things you haven’t thought about in years make an appearance in your mind. At this age, I’m just happy I remember so much. In these 10 years I have watched my daughter go from a toddler, to a little girl starting school, to the amazing young woman she is today. I look back on pictures and videos and wonder where the hell the time went. And sometimes I look at her and feel pure amazement that she is my child. Watching her become who she is today is my greatest blessing and it always will be no matter how old I am or how old she is.
My 40’s brought heartache to me and my family when my niece was diagnosed with lymphoma in 2023. But with all of the sadness and uncertainty, I found beauty as I watched my niece not only kick cancer’s ass, but I watched her become a whole new person. That experience brought changes to her not only physically, but mentally and emotionally as well. She walked that path with grace and I truly believe it led her to where she needs to be today. In my 40’s I watched my nephew go from a 9-year-old in elementary school to being Valedictorian at his High School graduation. Since the day he was born he has filled me with so much pride and over these last 10 years I have been in complete awe of him. He is an amazing young man, he has a great mind, he knows what he wants, he has a plan in place to get that and I have no doubt that he will do great things. He will always be my favorite boy in the world. And I can’t wait to see what each of these three do in the next 10 years.
My 40’s brought me new friendships, which I honestly didn’t think would happen so late in life. I have my two closest friends who have been in my life for 35 years and I thought that was enough for me. But the universe had other plans and I will forever be grateful that it did. I have a group of women who I met when my daughter started kindergarten and they have shown me that it doesn’t matter how old you are, as women and mothers, we are all going through the same things. There is a 10-year age gap between me and most of them, something I remind them of all the time, but they accepted me, flaws and all. And although life gets hectic and our kids are in different places at times, we always check in with each other and I know they would be there if I needed them. I found one of my closest friends only a few years ago and I am so blessed that the Gods brought our daughters together which led to us becoming friends. She is one of the most real people I have ever met and I know I can completely be myself in front of her with no apologies necessary. I’ve also had to let some people go from my life and I’ve realized that’s ok too. I am thankful for the time each of them were in my life and I’ll always hold on to the good memories. People’s lives go in different directions and we all have to walk our own path.
I think the most important thing about my 40’s is what these years have taught me about myself. The changes I have made and the ones I’m still working on. In my 40’s I finally accepted myself for who I am. Love me or hate me the core of what makes me who I am is never going to change and I’m proud of that. I’m proud of my bitchiness, my toughness and my emotional heart. That’s me. For so many years I hated myself, but instead of dwelling on these things I have changed some of them. I have changed my mindset as well, especially when it comes to my body. I used to hate looking at myself in the mirror. I hated seeing the rolls of extra weight, the wrinkles and the frown lines. It took me a few years after having my daughter to really look at my body and what it has done. I am proud of my c-section scar because it held my daughter inside of me and when she was born my body held on even after I lost so much blood and could have died. I don’t love the weight I’m at but I no longer worry about the number on the scale and instead focus on how I’m feeling. I know I’m putting better things into my body while also indulging every once in a while, and I know that’s ok. It’s all about balance. These days, I have no problem looking at myself in the mirror.
My 40’s pushed me to put myself first in certain situations. To stop disregarding my feelings for the sake of someone else’s. A lot of life happened in these 10 years and some of that put things into perspective. I stood up for myself to some of the most important people in my life and because of that I think those relationships got stronger and more balanced. My 40’s have led me to identify some of my emotional issues and I’ve taken steps to help myself even if it’s just taking a pill to keep me calmer. I’ve tried not to let my anxiety get the best of me, and I still struggle sometimes, but I don’t give up the way I used to. I am navigating perimenopause to the best of my ability and some days absolutely fucking suck but I’m still hanging on and getting through. I’ve learned to tell myself that these things won’t last and to breathe through the rough moments to get to the other side. I’ve learned to say ‘no’ without giving an explanation because, as my sister always says, ‘no is a complete sentence’. I’ve learned that it’s ok to give people exactly what they give you. You don’t always have to be the bigger or better person and not everyone was raised like me so I can’t expect them to do things the way I would or feel things the way I feel them. And I’ve also learned that I don’t have to give my time or effort to people who don’t give me theirs. I matter too, which might be the biggest thing I learned in my 40’s.
So, I start Chapter 50 tomorrow and my biggest hope is that I write a beautiful one. Worrying too much is probably my biggest flaw and although I’m working on it, I accept that it might be with me for the rest of my life. But I hope it gets less as the years go by and I hope I remember to live even with the worry. That’s what I want my 50’s to be about. Living; not just surviving. I know things are never going to be as easy as I’d like but I also know that I have an amazing support system that helps with anything life throws my way so for that I am amazingly blessed. I want my 50’s to be more about me and the things I want for myself. This life is short, we have to make the most of it. That’s the plan moving forward.
EveryCookieCrumbles 