Lost

Yesterday started out as a normal day, like most days in my life. Woke up, had breakfast, went to my husband’s and daughter’s bowling league, ran to a few stores, came home to laundry, lunches and football. Things were fine, I was in a decent enough mood, nothing out of the ordinary happened. Then, all of a sudden, in the late afternoon, my mood shifted, and I felt it happening, which always amazes me. Felt the hot flash coming as my face turned red and then the nausea kicked in, and I sat there, pissed off that this was happening again. Because it wasn’t the first time and it certainly won’t be the last time. But every time that it does it feels like a sucker punch to the gut and knocks me completely off balance mentally.

I will say that I’m pre-menopausal and I have been for almost two years. Out of ten symptoms listed I suffer from more than five. But my doctor says it’s impossible. And his reasoning is three-fold. 1)I’m too young. As if my hormones know how old I am so they hold off from attacking me. 2)My sister hasn’t gone through it and she’s older than me. 3)My mother didn’t go through menopause this young. And when I heard these answers last year at my annual exam, I wanted to scream at him, ‘I AM NOT MY SISTER OR MY MOTHER!!’, something I feel like I have been screaming internally my whole life. They are not me and I am not them. Their medical history is completely different from mine. So why do all women get lumped together like this? If it doesn’t happen the same way for all then it can’t happen for any? That’s the way it seems. I felt like my symptoms weren’t enough for a diagnosis. And I throw my hands up in surrender because I know what I’m going through and how I’m feeling. And after talking to other women my age I find that we all get the same answers from our doctor and we have to take it into our own hands.

And I haven’t found the answer to deal with what I go through at times. I found a pill that helps but some days I don’t want to take it, like yesterday. I hang on to hope that these feelings will pass quickly and I just have to ride it out and wait until it’s over. But what happens in the time I’m waiting is what really messes with my head. There are days when it’s my anxiety and days when it’s my hormones and I know the difference and I recognize which one I’m going through. When it’s my anxiety, I feel on edge. My body is on alert and I have the overwhelming feeling that something bad is going to happen, either to me or my daughter or whatever. When it’s my hormones, I’m very emotional. I could seriously cry over the littlest thing, and I have. During anxiety my mind tells me that I’m going to die or end up in the hospital. I repeat some words to myself and I can usually breathe through it until it passes. When I’m hormonal, my mind is my worst enemy. The things I hear in my head are some of the worst things you could say to someone, and the worst part is that I’m basically saying it to myself. These thoughts are hurtful, but not in a I want to cause myself physical pain way, I would never do that. They’re hurtful because I believe them when I hear them.

Yesterday I didn’t get angry, I didn’t yell. Every little thing didn’t make me crazy. I was very calm each and every time my husband or daughter asked me if I was ok. I simply replied that I was fine and I just needed to wait for it to be over so I could feel normal again. I felt zoned out, unattached to anything that was going on around me. I felt numb in a way. I felt lost. And I think that this is something that I’ve been feeling for a while. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore or who I’m supposed to be. I am a wife and a mother and these are the only two ways I can describe myself truthfully and confidently. I don’t put writer in there because I sometimes feel like a fraud since I haven’t mastered the discipline it takes to do what I want. Or maybe I’ve just made too many excuses. Everything about myself is wrapped up in other people. Everything I am and everything I do is with everyone else in mind. I feel like I lost myself a long time ago and I don’t know how to get her back. I once told my husband that I give everything I have in me to him and my daughter and by the end of the day I have nothing left for myself. I never put myself or my needs first, mainly because we are never taught to do that. And really, are we supposed to do that? I think sometimes we are. I am the friend that will tell everyone else to think of themselves and stop making it about everyone else but I never take my own advice.

Maybe I don’t think that I’m worth it or that I deserve those things I think everyone else deserves. Maybe I feel that I should just be happy with what I’ve got and not look for anything more. I have a good husband, a beautiful daughter and a roof over my head. We are financially ok, we are not struggling for anything, so all of that should be enough for someone, shouldn’t it? Isn’t it supposed to be? And when I look at all that I have, when I know that so many people would wish for my life, I instantly feel guilty for not being completely happy. How dare I even think about wanting more? I feel unfulfilled and I know that has nothing to do with anyone else but me. It’s everything I put myself through, it’s my thoughts that haunt me, not someone else’s.

I wish that I had a switch so that I could shut my brain off, especially on days like yesterday. Sometimes the only thing I would wish for is quiet. Quiet from within. The outside noise doesn’t bother me too much, but the inside noises are deafening. And they just don’t stop no matter how hard I try to silence them, or to think about something else. And you would think that sleep would be an escape, but it’s not because in my sleep I hear voices that tell me the same things I tell myself on bad days. Sounds insane, I know. Sometimes I feel like there’s no escape, I can’t outrun my thoughts. I think I’ve carried them around with me for so long that I don’t know how to let them go. As crazy as it sounds, they’re like an old friend and I don’t know who I would be without them because they’ve been a part of me for so long. A bad part, but a part nonetheless. Maybe this is the way I punish myself for reasons I don’t understand. Maybe this is a defense mechanism so I don’t show parts of me that I want to keep hidden. I don’t hate myself, there was a time when I did, but I don’t anymore. There are things about me that I really like but something inside me won’t let me hang on to those things. Instead, I concentrate on other things that aren’t beneficial to my mind, body and soul.

I know I have a good life. I know that the way I felt yesterday is not an everyday occurrence. I know that the good days outnumber the bad days, but fuck, when those bad days happen, they take me to a place I don’t want to go. They completely mess with every part of me. There are so many things that I keep inside. Feelings and thoughts that I don’t dare say out loud because once the words are spoken, they are out in the universe and you can never take them back. So, I keep things to myself because that’s what I have always done. And I’m not saying it’s worked for me all of these years but old habits are hard to break and retraining your mind to think a different way than it has all of your life is extremely difficult. But my way is no better.

There has to be a middle ground somewhere. I’ve read books to help me change, I listen to motivational speeches, and I nod and agree with what they are saying, or I relate to what I read, and I vow to start making changes. But the hardest part is taking action to implement what you have learned to better your life. And I can be motivated and positive 25 days out of a month, but those other days, even though they are less, are so much more powerful. And I feel like I’m going round and round on a carousel and I can’t jump off. The moods pass, the hormones simmer, the anxiety fades away and I start to feel better. But I know that they’ll all be back another day. I’m just hoping I can find a better way to deal with it all and fight back and get to the point where they don’t knock me down. I just need to find myself again.